A girl in high school I met my junior year. She was a freshman coming to a new high school when I was a junior. And I guess what makes it my first love was it was the first relationship I had that made me question what love was. Because she was younger than I was, and I always wanted—I was an only child—I always wanted a younger sister because I thought that would be really cool.
And so we became really close friends, you know, she just moved to the area, and she was kind of lonely and didn’t really have anyone to talk to, so we became close and we were friends.
And so I thought of her at first as a younger sister, and her as an older brother because she had two younger brothers but had been missing the older brother, so that really worked really well. We talked all the time. We would often go to sleep talking to each other on the phone or whatever.
And so, we told each other that we loved each other, which was great while, um, the relationship was working well. But after a while, I think…it was just…well, we were really young and the feelings we had were really strong, and so we started drifting apart, or fighting, or things like that and we didn’t quite know how to handle it.
And, so I think—so this is by the time my senior year—we were fighting more and more. And so at one point, she just stopped talking to me, basically. Hmm…back up.
So we used to meet each other before school started every day at this one spot, because we both didn’t have class before school, so we just hung out. So, when she stopped talking to me, she also stopped coming to this spot—this bench by the music room (we both were in orchestra).
And so, for the next seven months, I went to this spot every day, waiting for her, just to see if she was there. Because I felt like, you know, if you love someone, you’re there for them all the time. But it was really difficult for me because I didn’t what to do or how to treat someone who I cared about but who wasn’t responding to me.
And so, that was a time when I really wondered what love was and what it meant and what it costs I guess. And so, we eventually worked it out, and we’re still relatively good friends today. And I guess that’s why it’s my first love, because it’s what made me question what love was.
I apply the definition to the other people who I say I love, or when I hear people say “love,” or when I love someone I tell them I love them. And I sort of mean it in an eternal sense—even if you don’t speak to me for seven months I will still love you, I will still be there for you.
And obviously that’s a very intense kind of thing, and it’s not always a good thing necessarily for relationships, but that’s how I view it because that’s how I had to define it when I was younger.